New Year, Still Here.
I think I missed the memo that it has at some point become 2017. Today feels 2017 to me, so for anyone else who needs a re-do, I'm using the powers bestowed upon me to officially announce that today, June 5, is National New-Year for the few who need a re-do.
It’s nice to feel present; well, it's nice to feel present now at least. 11 months ago, presence was painful, and a vehicle had to be made which could get me from the here (fucked) to the there (some point in the future less fucked).
So a vehicle was made, composed of therapy, writing, exercise, doodles, health food, work, and an unmanageable amount of "dating." I'm sure, looking back on it, that the compulsive "dating" was just as meaningful and fulfilling for the various hostages I "dated." Sure, there was a few (glaring) design flaws, and we had to make some adjustments after a few breakdowns, but today feels like the beginning of a very slow, profound comeback.
Last Wednesday, I noticed an innocently-placed FedEx envelope at my doorstep. Inside was my final paycheck from my employer of 5 years. Apparently, someone had forgotten to mention that 50% of the corporate workforce was being let go, and I was included. Now, while I've never used the postman to end a relationship with someone, I sure as hell have done it through a text message, and even worse, just ignored it until it went away. So sadly, and karmically, I’m not really in a position to get all high and mighty and make a big stink about it, as I would like to.
I don’t think Einstein had this exact circumstance in mind when he came up with the theory of relativity, but after what I’ve been through (or put myself through), the whole situation was relatively anti-climactic. There's also the tiny detail that this company introduced me to some of my best friends, refined my fabrication skills, and is a major part of the person I've become today. So bygones. (Kind of.)
As a master of saying things that will come back to haunt me, I’ve always said “This is the last company I work for," meaning that after this job, I was going to give working for myself a serious shot, and try to create something amazing of my own.
That sounded really fresh and confident at the time. Five days ago.
So, right now, I have a boy, a dog, and a little website called hellohumans.co who are going to get a lot more attention. I feel sort of sorry for them. Luckily, they feel sorry for me, too.
I’ve always saved a little bit of money called “the dream fund," for whenever I felt courageous enough to take the leap of faith and try to bring some of my artistic vision to life. I thought this might be sometime next year-ish. It would seem, however, that the universe got tired of waiting for me to take that leap of faith, and has opted for the less known and rarely used option--the kick in the butt plan, the "thrown into the unknown" approach.
So now, it appears, I’m living the dream a little early.
You may know Hello Humans as the home of the most dramatic blog ever written, but there's more to it that never made it from the vision into the real world. I can't wait to share it with you.
If any of you fellow travelers are true believers, and want to support this well intentioned but bumbling cause from the get go, I've created a Patreon page where you can support me by buying me a coffee (or a tank of gas) once a month. The content will always remain free, so there is no pressure, and you can always show your love by following me on Instagram @samlamott, where the number of followers I have on any given day has a 1:1 relationship with my self-worth.
In the meantime I'd love to share a thought I've been having:
My mom loves to point out the paradoxes in life. The big paradox I always struggle to wrap my mind around is that our greatest strengths unfortunately also happen to also be our greatest weaknesses. When I wrote the story on suicide, I did so on the off-chance that I could reach one or two people who may also be feeling isolated and alone. Well, that little story was read by 250,000 people, shared by multiple crisis centers, and my inbox is still flooded with members and family members of the lovely tribe I like to call "Still Alive." I've never been more grateful for having felt like total worthless dog shit in my life. (And I'm slowly getting to your email, I promise.)
So if you haven't been feeling your best, if you've bought into the lie that is constantly being sold to us, that we should be happy right now, let me remind you of the truth. Happiness is temporary. It's these beautiful, fleeting moments we get to experience and cherish. If you're doing all the right things and still feel it's somehow your fault that you don't feel amazing right now, let me suggest a new top priority.
You have my permission to do whatever it takes to survive another day. Survival is taking care of yourself, being kind to yourself, and giving yourself another day here, in which, against all odds, you may get to experience one those big, beautiful, mind blowing moments we call joy. If you survive, you are part of the tribe of Still Alive, and you are welcome to join me now in ushering in the New-NewYear, that's just for us, the few who need a re-do.
I have survived the underworld of addiction, I have survived the torture of custody battle, I have survived the end of the world as I knew it in losing the partner I thought was “the one," and there is one truth that has been revealed to me and it is this:
Being unstoppable has nothing to do with speed.