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Test Tube – Starting over from scratch

A little, buried part of me had just enough romance left that the idea of living in an aluminum tube jimmied between ferns and large pines felt nice.

I moved to an island.

I still feel like I live in Seattle, except now I don’t because I live on an island only accessible by ferry. Actually, I have to revise that because a cougar swam over last summer so clearly it’s also accessible by sheer force of will.

I live on Vashon Island, in a 1992 Airstream Classic, 36 feet long, 7 feet wide, with a ginger dog and a ginger cat who are, in turns, pleased and frustrated with their new situation.

Michael Chabon lived here. His book Summerland is based on Vashon, just so you know this is a real place and a location where writers should be living. At least that’s what I tell myself late at night when I begin to worry about how I ended up here and if this is where I belong.

The “belonging” thing is a lie sold to us by beer companies, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to buy it.

I have an explanation for moving that makes sense to me. It is much harder to explain to my dog and cat why they are living here, though. They’re not huge Chabon fans.

I moved from the busy city center of Seattle, where things seemed to be going well, until it became very clear that they weren’t and maybe they hadn’t been for some time. I saw a girl’s body be taken out of my apartment building after overdosing late one night. She had lived on the third floor. She was so young. At that point I was so manic and tired, trying to stay busy and distracted that I didn’t know I was so close to a small, probably pretty adorable breakdown. I didn’t know it until I saw a few strands of her hair slip out of the body bag. But almost immediately I decided to break my lease and run away to the woods, so that goes to show you what a few hard months coupled with looking sideways at death will do.

Two friends messaged me after I posted on Facebook that I wanted to break my lease to see if I wanted to rent out their Airstream. A little, buried part of me had just enough romance left that the idea of living in an aluminum tube jimmied between ferns and large pines felt nice.

Never mind the 2 hour commute to work.

Never mind that my friends, and now land mates, cautioned that I would need to put dryer sheets in my engine because the mice would wreak havoc on my engine.

Never mind that my best friend gently asked if I was doing this as a reaction to some emotional baggage I had been dragging around. If maybe, as an extrovert, I would find it very hard to be adjacent to the middle of nowhere, and maybe I just needed to compromise and find a place in north Seattle? Shut up, best friend, like you know me.

Absolutely never mind that my 2-wheel drive Volvo station wagon drifted sideways down a gravel embankment and gently perched itself on a railroad tie, where it demanded two tow trucks and three hours to be coaxed out. I sat on the ground and pet the tow mechanic’s 10-month-old golden retriever, Archie, and stared up at the blank blue sky, unperturbed.

I was going to live on an island. I was going to like being alone with this ragged grab bag of a heart that I had.

And then, one night after I had shoved 80% of my things in storage and the other 20% in the Airstream, I was.

I was alone. And the curtain dropped on the day and the eery quiet set in. There were stars and the soft yellow glow of the lights off Quartermaster Harbor. An owl hooted and I hoped my dog, dutifully chewing a tennis ball under a dripping oak, was just big enough to not get swooped. The hazy crackle of a dying fire was all that was left, and all of a sudden the chaos of what was inside of me sprang into the foreground – a skittering drum fill before a crashing bridge on a song you never liked in the first place.

Living in an Airstream is all very glamorized these days. There are #vanlife and #liveauthentic Instagram presences with very attractive people living in very attractive redone trailers parked on the edges of very attractive natural wonders.

I mean, my Airstream is redone beautifully. There are wires poking out of the ceiling because Mario needs to redo the electric after I move out so they’re just kind of sitting there. But there is a waterfall shower and hardwood floors and I bought a stag fern in a copper planter.

But mostly, it’s just me. I am here pumping out the gray and black water tanks. I am here in my bed streaming HBO from a hotspot and sometimes staring blankly at the curved ceiling, just being here (staring blankly and ignoring Last Week Tonight is about as close as you’re going to get me to meditation). I am here in the middle of a stylish Airstream alone, with enough hot water for about 5 minutes of a shower. I am here when the rain peppers the aluminum and sounds like tiny tap dancers. I am here and I have no choice but to be and it is not very pretty sometimes. I woke up every morning the first week wondering if I had made a colossal mistake.

I woke up the second week thinking I definitely hadn’t made a colossal mistake, and then started to cry a little bit every day. About where my life was going. About men who had hurt and disappointed me. About people I had hurt and disappointed. I realized my parents would die one day and I cried about that. I realized my dog would die one day and then cried about that and then felt worse that I cried about both my parents and my dog in the same week.

I picked my way through the heavy woods behind the property, realizing that I probably wasn’t very cool and never was very cool and it’d be best if I stopped trying to fool anyone by having erudite opinions about 90s twee.

Maybe this was a mistake. I hadn’t gotten any writing done. I felt farther away from the people who love me than I ever had. Maybe my awful best friend was right and I should have found a studio in Ballard.

But I was here, and a small part of me really wanted to stay.

Even if it meant getting to know myself – something I have been only medium good at my entire life. I’ve done therapy and I’ve surrounded myself with people who love me. I try very hard to treat my clinical depression. I do “the work”, without really knowing what that means. But through it all, since I was a very little girl, I’ve never felt at home anywhere. I’ve never felt at home with anyone, really. So I’ve kept moving and leaving and fearing that I’ll never fit in, which means many points in my life have been defined by my willingness to abandon whatever sense of self I have accumulated in order to please those who I thought knew better.

I’ve always assumed everyone else knows better, for reasons my therapist is probably keeping from me to keep collecting checks.

So when I woke up early one morning towards the end of the second week and something felt different, it took me a minute.

I woke up with the memory of a man who had been unkind to me, who had treated me with the same gentle consideration you’d give, oh I don’t know, a plastic spork, and I bristled. I stood up and started to go make coffee, and I felt my fists clench. My head was hot like it was stuffed with bees. I felt as though I was being pulled out of a dream and didn’t know where I was.

Oh my god. I knew where I was. I was mad. I felt it, deep inside of my belly, giving me an emotional shape I hadn’t had in months, maybe years. I felt something wake up.

Oh my god I have boundaries.

  Maybe this wasn’t a colossal mistake. Maybe. I’d know for sure soon, once all the other feelings started waking up alongside each other under the bow of the trees. And no matter how much I wanted to make some calls to ask permission to feel all of this stuff, I couldn’t. It was happening anyway, and I had a feeling I was going to hate it.

 

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11 Comments

11 Comments

  1. cheech clancy

    June 22, 2017 at 11:19 pm

    Capers are so gross.

  2. Kari Jost

    June 23, 2017 at 3:15 am

    I am a Tarrant also.

  3. Erin Carney Bell

    June 24, 2017 at 10:29 pm

    ❤️
    Although, I was slightly confused when I arrived at the "…since I was a very little girl" because I did not pay attention to the change in author. It was a fun moment of, "Wait…what? Sam. Huh? Oh!"

    Thanks for sharing yourself – self-obsessed me – loves the reflections of myself I see in you. More of a 20-something me reflection, but much ballsier than my 20-something.

    "The “belonging” thing is a lie sold to us by beer companies, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to buy it."

    I want to not want it – and frankly only infrequently want to buy most days; however have expansive Midwestern prairies full of ballsie to still grow into and execute.

    Poetic, wry self-deprecation with a sprinkle of paranoia.

    I applaud you writing and posting Kathleen! -Mucho gusto.

  4. jeanie detomaso

    June 26, 2017 at 4:14 pm

    Thank you…I’m thinking you must write like you talk and that makes this piece so vulnerable and wonderful. It helped me.

  5. Brenda Honea Pennington

    June 26, 2017 at 6:01 pm

    Thank you for sharing. My story mirrors yours in many ways. I, too, packed up and moved when things looked like they were going well, at least to everyone else. I’m five months into this journey and I have patted myself on the back, cried myself to sleep, felt enormous depths of lonely, and started to build a new life with intention. I look forward to reading about your journey and realizations as I continue on mine. Good luck!

  6. Annette Leiblic

    June 27, 2017 at 7:01 pm

    I am a " take the leap ‘ kind of woman, sometimes it works for me, sometimes not so much . Would that my thoughts were so poetic and readable . Good luck, Kathleen !

  7. Robin Lewis

    June 29, 2017 at 11:44 am

    I love it when we are brave enough to place ourselves in situations (or we don’t run from them) and we allow ourselves to experience all the feelings that we’ve stuffed down. Sometimes anger rises in me, too, and I don’t know what it’s connected too – or if I do, I think that it happened so long ago and I should be so over that by now. But I let out a few choice words and tell God that I am angry, again, and that I need Him to help me. So here’s to being brave enough to let it out and let ourselves be where we are. Thanks, Kathleen!

  8. T Crockett

    July 4, 2017 at 2:10 pm

    "So I’ve kept moving and leaving and fearing that I’ll never fit in, which means many points in my life have been defined by my willingness to abandon whatever sense of self I have accumulated in order to please those who I thought knew better.

    I’ve always assumed everyone else knows better, for reasons my therapist is probably keeping from me to keep collecting checks." Oh my goodness I’ve been there. And then the awkwardness of allowing yourself to feel anger. And the sentiment in the last line! Yes, yes yes. You’ve put words to an experience I’ve lived too. Thank you

  9. Debra Johnson

    July 10, 2017 at 5:05 pm

    "…a skittering drum fill before a crashing bridge in a song you never liked in the first place." I love this line. It’s such a perfect description of the lost feeling I’ve experienced many, many times in my 66 years on this planet. Keep writing, Kathleen.

  10. Dianne

    July 14, 2017 at 11:44 pm

    You are going to hate it when all those other feelings wake up and it also will become the way home to your beautiful self.
    Boundaries are your protection. I was happy to hear you got angry, Kathleen! Yes! Anger is better than numbness especially when it is warranted. Keep writing. You have a real voice. Stay hydrated too! Peace,
    Dianne Rizzo aka momma Rizzo ❤️

  11. Rachel Kennedy

    July 26, 2017 at 4:11 pm

    This is really beautiful!

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